Hogwarts Security

In response to this summer’s hysterical Potter-mania, a security expert critiques Hogwarts Security.

Myself, I can’t be bothered. The whole idea of a parallel world of wizards and magic lying just behind a brick wall in downtown London just doesn’t work for me. And they somehow all live in an idyllic 19th century countryside hidden from view of us mere mortals? I got news for you – that land was bought out in the 1950s and converted to high-density housing. No spell in the world is powerful enough to hide good land from real estate developers.

And Harry’s friends seem to be completely ignorant of the non-magical world. That’s got to be the greatest stretch of all. If all those proto-wizards going off to their preppy private school were real kids, they’d all have cell phones, laptops and high-speed internet connections already. I mean, come on, what kid would use an owl to talk to her friends when they can just text-message instead?

And speaking of real kids, I know this generation is spending way too much time sitting in front of a screen, but at least they play some sports. Real sports where you actually have to sweat. Not this high-flying broomstick polo they play at Hogwarts. Is that really the only sport they play? That’s like telling kids instead of P.E. class, they’re all going to watch Nascar races. With an athletic program like that, every wizard to graduate from Hogwarts would weight 300 lbs. They’re gonna have to strap booster rockets on their broomsticks to get the class of 2007 up in the air.